Being a woman and being a mother
A few weeks ago I had some conflicting thoughts which I couldn't put clearly into words. But I believe every mother will be able to feel what I am trying to say here.
I always had a love for work. Any work. It always gave me a sense of worth. I always put every effort in work because I felt I was contributing to something. Even though a lot of work was being a store assistant, I made sure I was one to be remembered. Working as an interpreter, I put heart into it, trying to help, not just translate. Work is good for the soul!
I now have a deep love for my children. I get to spend every day with them. I give my all the best I can. I am truly blessed that I get to do this. I get to see their progress. Well, being stuck in the routine of raising them, I do not really notice their progress too fast, until someone points it out. Or I hear them play together nicely, or I hear Emma reading stories to Maya (Emma is 3, Maya almost 2) and both of them getting caught into the story world. Anyway, there are rewards along the way.
Now, back to my conflicting thoughts. At Lidl, there was the opportunity for me to be trained to move up. I don't know if my boss was just messing with me (I really hope he wasn't), bt for days I was conflicted. I told him 'No' on the spot because I love my girls, I love being there for them, with them, doing all the crazy things I do with them. They do come first in my mind and heart. But a big part of me was longing to say Yes! SAY YES!!! Then I started feeling guilty for desiring to do something that would give me less time with the girls. Saying 'No' made me frustrated that I was still 'just a store assistant'. I still cannot put it into words. I asked friends for advice on how to deal with these conflicting thoughts. Was I a bad mother for desiring more? I kept looking at all the mums who love having lots of children and loving the stay at home mum, wondering was I broken? Do you know what I mean?
Well, the answer didn't come from friends who had gone through the same thing, it didn't come from my husband, it came from within...and from my girls actually! First, I believe that being a mother means sacrificing yourself - who you could be, what you could do, putting your dreams on hold to help your children create and reach their own. I don't think that when we become mothers we think of it as a sacrifice, and we don't blink twice choosing our little ones over us when it comes to it. But once in a while we get recognition for more than just being a mum. And it feels good. Little children don't say 'Thank you, the food was excellent. Thank you for the laundry, thank you for my clothes, thank you for singing to me...' They do say 'Thank you's, but most things we do every day don't get any recognition. Then, somewhere outside you get thank you's, you get appreciation, you are seen as YOU. And it sure feels good! I think that made me have the conflicting thoughts. But I realised that the thank you's at work, the appreciation I receive is temporary, but the reward of moulding and raising and teaching and nurturing a child is eternal.
The answer also came from my little Emma. She was sitting at a table, writing her name. (doing a great job at it!) And 'reading' stories. And singing. And getting dressed by herself. And having her own goals. And holding my hand. And it came from Maya who hugs me tight, almost choking me, and pulling me into her games, and putting dishes away, and emptying the dryer, and running around laughing... I realised I must be doing something right! My two little girls play together, love each other, love us! There is peace in our home! There is love at home! I don't know how and why, but we are richly blessed! And they are my joy! So it is enough for me. It is enough for me to be 'just a store assistant' for now. Because I am a mother first! And there is no other better mother for my girls than me!
Now, I have mentioned my girls a lot. But there is a husband in here as well. Peter is a great man to support me. He doesn't want me to be a store assistant, and he doesn't want to keep me at home. He wants me to be ME. I have found my 'calling' to say so. I am a great interpreter! It's not my knowledge of English and Romanian and Hungarian that make Clients request for me again and again, but te heart I put into it. It is rewarding work, knowing that I have made a difference in someone's life. That I helped someone. And Peter supports this side of me. He wants me to succeed in it. But he also reminds me (without words) that now it's the time to prepare for it, but it's not yet time to dedicate myself to it. And Peter sees me as ME. Not just mum, who looks a mess 24/7, who cannot find her key, her head, nor her socks... but sees what I can be. He sees me as ME. So I guess he is my answer too.
Therefore, all you mums who are conflicted, no matter what you choose, you will always have conflicting thoughts. Did you make the right choice going back to work? Did you make the right choice staying at home? There is NO WRONG choice! You choose what is best for you, and stick to it. Outsiders will make you feel wrong, your insides might tell you from time to time you are wrong. But you know what? You will always choose right if you choose with your heart. And it is YOUR choice either way! You are a mother, you are a woman, you are YOU. Do not lose yourself, do not doubt yourself, but do love your choice, even if it breaks you sometime. You do get put back together very soon, believe me! Love is the best glue :)
I always had a love for work. Any work. It always gave me a sense of worth. I always put every effort in work because I felt I was contributing to something. Even though a lot of work was being a store assistant, I made sure I was one to be remembered. Working as an interpreter, I put heart into it, trying to help, not just translate. Work is good for the soul!
I now have a deep love for my children. I get to spend every day with them. I give my all the best I can. I am truly blessed that I get to do this. I get to see their progress. Well, being stuck in the routine of raising them, I do not really notice their progress too fast, until someone points it out. Or I hear them play together nicely, or I hear Emma reading stories to Maya (Emma is 3, Maya almost 2) and both of them getting caught into the story world. Anyway, there are rewards along the way.
Now, back to my conflicting thoughts. At Lidl, there was the opportunity for me to be trained to move up. I don't know if my boss was just messing with me (I really hope he wasn't), bt for days I was conflicted. I told him 'No' on the spot because I love my girls, I love being there for them, with them, doing all the crazy things I do with them. They do come first in my mind and heart. But a big part of me was longing to say Yes! SAY YES!!! Then I started feeling guilty for desiring to do something that would give me less time with the girls. Saying 'No' made me frustrated that I was still 'just a store assistant'. I still cannot put it into words. I asked friends for advice on how to deal with these conflicting thoughts. Was I a bad mother for desiring more? I kept looking at all the mums who love having lots of children and loving the stay at home mum, wondering was I broken? Do you know what I mean?
Well, the answer didn't come from friends who had gone through the same thing, it didn't come from my husband, it came from within...and from my girls actually! First, I believe that being a mother means sacrificing yourself - who you could be, what you could do, putting your dreams on hold to help your children create and reach their own. I don't think that when we become mothers we think of it as a sacrifice, and we don't blink twice choosing our little ones over us when it comes to it. But once in a while we get recognition for more than just being a mum. And it feels good. Little children don't say 'Thank you, the food was excellent. Thank you for the laundry, thank you for my clothes, thank you for singing to me...' They do say 'Thank you's, but most things we do every day don't get any recognition. Then, somewhere outside you get thank you's, you get appreciation, you are seen as YOU. And it sure feels good! I think that made me have the conflicting thoughts. But I realised that the thank you's at work, the appreciation I receive is temporary, but the reward of moulding and raising and teaching and nurturing a child is eternal.
The answer also came from my little Emma. She was sitting at a table, writing her name. (doing a great job at it!) And 'reading' stories. And singing. And getting dressed by herself. And having her own goals. And holding my hand. And it came from Maya who hugs me tight, almost choking me, and pulling me into her games, and putting dishes away, and emptying the dryer, and running around laughing... I realised I must be doing something right! My two little girls play together, love each other, love us! There is peace in our home! There is love at home! I don't know how and why, but we are richly blessed! And they are my joy! So it is enough for me. It is enough for me to be 'just a store assistant' for now. Because I am a mother first! And there is no other better mother for my girls than me!
Now, I have mentioned my girls a lot. But there is a husband in here as well. Peter is a great man to support me. He doesn't want me to be a store assistant, and he doesn't want to keep me at home. He wants me to be ME. I have found my 'calling' to say so. I am a great interpreter! It's not my knowledge of English and Romanian and Hungarian that make Clients request for me again and again, but te heart I put into it. It is rewarding work, knowing that I have made a difference in someone's life. That I helped someone. And Peter supports this side of me. He wants me to succeed in it. But he also reminds me (without words) that now it's the time to prepare for it, but it's not yet time to dedicate myself to it. And Peter sees me as ME. Not just mum, who looks a mess 24/7, who cannot find her key, her head, nor her socks... but sees what I can be. He sees me as ME. So I guess he is my answer too.
Therefore, all you mums who are conflicted, no matter what you choose, you will always have conflicting thoughts. Did you make the right choice going back to work? Did you make the right choice staying at home? There is NO WRONG choice! You choose what is best for you, and stick to it. Outsiders will make you feel wrong, your insides might tell you from time to time you are wrong. But you know what? You will always choose right if you choose with your heart. And it is YOUR choice either way! You are a mother, you are a woman, you are YOU. Do not lose yourself, do not doubt yourself, but do love your choice, even if it breaks you sometime. You do get put back together very soon, believe me! Love is the best glue :)
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