Days of Eni's life

Here I am two days after my meltdown. Two days after I let my grief surface, I let my anger come out, and cried for about two hours. Life is not all that bleak anymore, I am smiling and laughing. I am not over it, but I am starting to heal. Here are some things that have helped deal with my burden: 1, Do not bury the feelings - After I was molested, I tried to go on as nothing happened, I focused on my duties at home, at work. But I was angry, grumpy, taking it out on my husband for ridiculous reasons that usually do not bother me. Then almost two weeks later, just seeing a list of good things about me, written out of love, made me snap. I broke down. I let everything surface. I went to my lowest. I did not believe there was anything good left of me as I let all those negative feeling overcome me. I cried for two hours, and wrote all my feelings in a blog post. I was home alone (well, with the girls, but they were asleep) I needed a way to let it out. So I wrote... and I was expecti

This is what went into the bin today - a list of positive things about me that were written by my friends at a Church activity last night:  - A good listener  - Brilliant teacher  - Wonderful friend and mother  - Always chatty  - Funny (twice)  - Good friend  - Great friend and mother  - Looking forward to getting to know you How dare they? How dare they say those things? They do not see me in my weakest times! They do not know the raw me! Those things are fake - a mask I can easily wear. I am weak! I am naive! I am stupid! I am clueless! I am not a warrior! I am not ... And I am...low, and scared ... scared of....I don't know what? Maybe two weeks ago I would have framed that list and use it as a motivator. But not now... somebody put me down... the next lines are raw, and you can judge me however you want, but I need this in order to try to salvage something... I cannot put it into words... the hurt, the doubt... the desire to be that 'list', but ... I wen