How do you fix broken?...
This is what went into the bin today - a list of positive things about me that were written by my friends at a Church activity last night:
- A good listener
- Brilliant teacher
- Wonderful friend and mother
- Always chatty
- Funny (twice)
- Good friend
- Great friend and mother
- Looking forward to getting to know you
How dare they? How dare they say those things? They do not see me in my weakest times! They do not know the raw me! Those things are fake - a mask I can easily wear. I am weak! I am naive! I am stupid! I am clueless! I am not a warrior! I am not ... And I am...low, and scared ... scared of....I don't know what?
Maybe two weeks ago I would have framed that list and use it as a motivator. But not now... somebody put me down... the next lines are raw, and you can judge me however you want, but I need this in order to try to salvage something... I cannot put it into words... the hurt, the doubt... the desire to be that 'list', but ...
I went on a holiday very excited! Three days retreat to see my best friend in Romania, and at the same time, revisit some very old friends. It was all perfect until I met HIM. I do not want to use his name because it is not relevant. All I can say about HIM is that he was somebody who was my grandfather's age, I thought I knew him well, and he was a trusted person.
And he molested (fondled) me (I will not include details...)! I got away as soon as I got the chance, but let me tell you! Nothing since has been the same...
He walked away feeling aroused, elated, in control. And me? I walked away ashamed, doubting myself, broken. I am the one who keeps reliving that and feeling ashamed! I walked away feeling guilty! I walked away crying! I kept saying to myself :'I should have kicked him! I should have yelled! ' I am the one looking in the mirror and seeing someone who failed! Someone not capable of standing up to myself! I was the one who for 3 days kept on thinking "How do I tell my husband what a loser wife he has? How do I tell him that someone else touched me the way only my husband should? How do I tell him it was someone I trusted and knew? How could my husband still love me?" I was the one who wanted to hide it all. I was the one who thought there was nothing I could do because it was my word - a Hungarian who had been away for a long time - against his word - a grandfather who is respected and trusted in the community. I was the one feeling helpless.
I did take steps against HIM. I didn't go to the police, as they wouldn't have treated it seriously. But I did contact leaders in his community - just to find out this had been done before. I felt good talking to that leader, knowing someone is aware and hopefully steps will be taken against him. I did tell my husband, but I felt so ashamed! I felt so dirty! I felt like he deserved better than me!
I am broken now, doubting who I really am. Why didn't I kick him? Because I am weak! Why didn't I see it coming? Because I am silly. Why did I trust him? Because I am naive...
HE gets to feed HIS sick desires, while I get to doubt myself on every level. How can I teach my girls to stay safe when I cannot do it myself? How can I be strong for my family, when I am so weak?
I keep telling myself these thoughts are not true, but I do not buy it! I try to tell myself that HE is the sick one and at fault - but I don't completely buy it.
How do I fix this broken? How do I reclaim my self esteem? Or maybe I never had it, maybe it was just vanity? Maybe I was never strong? Maybe I was never brave? Maybe I was always ... weak, naive, silly, and a coward?
I thought I made peace with myself until tonight. Something just broke... and I cried a lot. Putting these words out here makes me feel...less haunted.
I am angry! He took my sanity away! He took my dignity and self-confidence away! How do I get it back? I tend to sing things away, focus on things that matter most when I am low, but I cannot sing this one away...
- A good listener
- Brilliant teacher
- Wonderful friend and mother
- Always chatty
- Funny (twice)
- Good friend
- Great friend and mother
- Looking forward to getting to know you
How dare they? How dare they say those things? They do not see me in my weakest times! They do not know the raw me! Those things are fake - a mask I can easily wear. I am weak! I am naive! I am stupid! I am clueless! I am not a warrior! I am not ... And I am...low, and scared ... scared of....I don't know what?
Maybe two weeks ago I would have framed that list and use it as a motivator. But not now... somebody put me down... the next lines are raw, and you can judge me however you want, but I need this in order to try to salvage something... I cannot put it into words... the hurt, the doubt... the desire to be that 'list', but ...
I went on a holiday very excited! Three days retreat to see my best friend in Romania, and at the same time, revisit some very old friends. It was all perfect until I met HIM. I do not want to use his name because it is not relevant. All I can say about HIM is that he was somebody who was my grandfather's age, I thought I knew him well, and he was a trusted person.
And he molested (fondled) me (I will not include details...)! I got away as soon as I got the chance, but let me tell you! Nothing since has been the same...
He walked away feeling aroused, elated, in control. And me? I walked away ashamed, doubting myself, broken. I am the one who keeps reliving that and feeling ashamed! I walked away feeling guilty! I walked away crying! I kept saying to myself :'I should have kicked him! I should have yelled! ' I am the one looking in the mirror and seeing someone who failed! Someone not capable of standing up to myself! I was the one who for 3 days kept on thinking "How do I tell my husband what a loser wife he has? How do I tell him that someone else touched me the way only my husband should? How do I tell him it was someone I trusted and knew? How could my husband still love me?" I was the one who wanted to hide it all. I was the one who thought there was nothing I could do because it was my word - a Hungarian who had been away for a long time - against his word - a grandfather who is respected and trusted in the community. I was the one feeling helpless.
I did take steps against HIM. I didn't go to the police, as they wouldn't have treated it seriously. But I did contact leaders in his community - just to find out this had been done before. I felt good talking to that leader, knowing someone is aware and hopefully steps will be taken against him. I did tell my husband, but I felt so ashamed! I felt so dirty! I felt like he deserved better than me!
I am broken now, doubting who I really am. Why didn't I kick him? Because I am weak! Why didn't I see it coming? Because I am silly. Why did I trust him? Because I am naive...
HE gets to feed HIS sick desires, while I get to doubt myself on every level. How can I teach my girls to stay safe when I cannot do it myself? How can I be strong for my family, when I am so weak?
I keep telling myself these thoughts are not true, but I do not buy it! I try to tell myself that HE is the sick one and at fault - but I don't completely buy it.
How do I fix this broken? How do I reclaim my self esteem? Or maybe I never had it, maybe it was just vanity? Maybe I was never strong? Maybe I was never brave? Maybe I was always ... weak, naive, silly, and a coward?
I thought I made peace with myself until tonight. Something just broke... and I cried a lot. Putting these words out here makes me feel...less haunted.
I am angry! He took my sanity away! He took my dignity and self-confidence away! How do I get it back? I tend to sing things away, focus on things that matter most when I am low, but I cannot sing this one away...
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