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How do you fix broken?... Part 2

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Here I am two days after my meltdown. Two days after I let my grief surface, I let my anger come out, and cried for about two hours. Life is not all that bleak anymore, I am smiling and laughing. I am not over it, but I am starting to heal. Here are some things that have helped deal with my burden: 1, Do not bury the feelings - After I was molested, I tried to go on as nothing happened, I focused on my duties at home, at work. But I was angry, grumpy, taking it out on my husband for ridiculous reasons that usually do not bother me. Then almost two weeks later, just seeing a list of good things about me, written out of love, made me snap. I broke down. I let everything surface. I went to my lowest. I did not believe there was anything good left of me as I let all those negative feeling overcome me. I cried for two hours, and wrote all my feelings in a blog post. I was home alone (well, with the girls, but they were asleep) I needed a way to let it out. So I wrote... and I was expecti
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How do you fix broken?...

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This is what went into the bin today - a list of positive things about me that were written by my friends at a Church activity last night:  - A good listener  - Brilliant teacher  - Wonderful friend and mother  - Always chatty  - Funny (twice)  - Good friend  - Great friend and mother  - Looking forward to getting to know you How dare they? How dare they say those things? They do not see me in my weakest times! They do not know the raw me! Those things are fake - a mask I can easily wear. I am weak! I am naive! I am stupid! I am clueless! I am not a warrior! I am not ... And I am...low, and scared ... scared of....I don't know what? Maybe two weeks ago I would have framed that list and use it as a motivator. But not now... somebody put me down... the next lines are raw, and you can judge me however you want, but I need this in order to try to salvage something... I cannot put it into words... the hurt, the doubt... the desire to be that 'list', but ... I wen
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Away in a mager

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 This is one of my favourite English Christmas songs. It makes me want to send a little prayer to Jesus and to commit again and again to follow Him   This year though this song has made me reflect on the humble beginnings of this baby boy, and the beginning of Mary's journey to motherhood.  Mary knew baby Jesus was God's Son. And she brought Him into this world as mortals do. Being a mother of two, it makes me wonder what was going through Mary's head right before giving birth, what were her worries? Did she wonder about where the baby would sleep? Did she wonder if the blanket she had would be warm enough for her baby boy? Was she worried about nappies? Or when the pains started, did she wonder if she would make it through? Was she worried that Joseph wouldn't know what to do, or how to help her? Did she wish her mother would be there? With our first baby, were blessed to have moved into a new house where we prepared a room for our little Emma. We had a hos
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When life gives you rocks to lift...find a forklift

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We are all living in this life filled with ups and downs. It's just funny how when things go smoothly for a while, and you think everything is just right, something happens that makes you stop in your tracks and regroup and replan and  and… and wonder! And you know what? It happens to each of us in different ways. I won't give examples because I know that as you are reading this, you remember at least one of these instances. But here are some suggestions on how to deal with surprises: 1. Laugh at it for a minute  Just laugh at how silly it is. Make a few jokes about it, keep it a bit light for a minute. It will keep you from getting too angry, or worked up, so you can think clearly for a second. 2. It is your life to live, you are the only one responsible for the path you choose now I had people giving me advice what to do next, I listened, and I appreciate their help. Some ideas inspired me. But I realised it was not their choice how I would react. It was not their
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Being a woman and being a mother

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A few weeks ago I had some conflicting thoughts which I couldn't put clearly into words. But I believe every mother will be able to feel what I am trying to say here. I always had a love for work. Any work. It always gave me a sense of worth. I always put every effort in work because I felt I was contributing to something. Even though a lot of work was being a store assistant, I made sure I was one to be remembered. Working as an interpreter, I put heart into it, trying to help, not just translate. Work is good for the soul! I now have a deep love for my children. I get to spend every day with them. I give my all the best I can. I am truly blessed that I get to do this. I get to see their progress. Well, being stuck in the routine of raising them, I do not really notice their progress too fast, until someone points it out. Or I hear them play together nicely, or I hear Emma reading stories to Maya (Emma is 3, Maya almost 2) and both of them getting caught into the story world.
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Life changes

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I haven't written anything in more than two years! Wow! Life flies by, and you can easily miss seeing the blessings if you don't stop to breath for a second. Yes, I am still working at Lidl. It's only one day a week, a 10 hour shift. And why is that? Because now I am a mother of two beautiful, smart, loving little girls. Even though it is the most exhausting thing being with them all the time, it is the most rewarding work. I am so proud of who they are becoming! I do not realise how rewarding it is until someone makes a comment like 'Emma sang with us!' or 'Your girls are so well behaved!' or 'Emma can speak three languages?' Yes, I am a proud mum, but I get swept away by all the playing and reading and singing and hugging that I do not step back to see the results. I just flow with it. So here is a BIG THANK YOU to all those who take a moment to point out to me something related to my girls. As it seems, I get easily side tracked by talking ab
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Thoughts on teams...random revelation

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I am back at work...I know, 9 months went by too fast...but yeah, I 'm back at work at Lidl. To be honest, I expected to just pick up from where I left. It actually felt natural to be back, like I had never left... except for a few things: 1) I had slowed down and my routine got rusty after such a long break... and 2) The team has changed:lost a few teammates and got a few new ones. You can imagine my frustration at being so slow at first that it would take me 4 hours to do the work I used to do in 2 hours or even less! My brain kept telling me I could do better, but my body was not catching up! So I did the one thing I could (and I am ashamed to admit it, but I have to so I can make my point)... No, not focusing on improving myself! That would be the right answer! I actually looked for excuses. And I found the worst ones! No, not that I was tired, or that I was off for too long, or that a baby/toddler at home is draining! That would be a bit more acceptable. My excuses were
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