Not sure what the title should be...
My husband and I have been married for 18 months now. We are very happy together, we love and cherish each other, and our path is sunny, in spite of the rainy English weather. One of the things we both want greatly is to have children. I said 3, he said 5, in the end we might end up with 4 :)
This year was a rocky year. We went through the joy of being pregnant to the pain of losing the pregnancy twice already. The first one was at six weeks. I told myself that there was no heartbeat yet, so it wasn't meant to be. I wasn't depressed, I was a bit angry with the medical staff - it's a different story, about waiting 10 hours on a chair in a hallway while bleeding and aching - but I got over it quickly. I went straight back to work, and spent time serving in my Church calling. I think it was a bit harder for Peter, but we took comfort that we could try again. And we tried again! We got to eight weeks, then the pains and bleeding started. After a full week of small bleeds and tiredness, and another 3 days of painful contractions - again angry with doctors who sent me home telling me it was normal and didn't give me anything for the pain until after 3 days of contractions when they gave me ibuprofen - we lost the second pregnancy. My body was messed up! All my joints were aching, I got skin rashes, and I was getting more and more tired. The doctors here din't do anything: no tests, just the same spiel: you are the 1 in 4...twice. And that I needed one more miscarriage in order to get any tests done. I was angry! I did some tests after six weeks from my second miscarriage, during our holiday in Romania, just to discover that I still had remains from the pregnancy, and that I had E-coli in my womb and it was spreading. It took my body another 3 months to get back to normal, where I could say:nothing hurts now.
During these past four months, I thought I would not try for another child again. I remembered the pain, I remembered the anger, I remembered the crushed hope. I was back on my feet, with a plan that did not include children for a while. This experience at least got me seriously thinking about the future. I enrolled back in school to get a qualification in English language so that I can further my education and become a teacher. At work, I gave even more of myself. I got determined to become manager. I thought I had it all figured out, and I was determined to wait trying for another child... until a week ago.
Last month I was released from my calling as Relief Society President. I had mixed feelings: relief at not having to deal with all the gossip and back-biting and spoilt grown-ups , and sadness for not serving all those amazing sisters! My new calling was actually my old calling - Nursery leader. I was not excited! I said yes, of course, but I didn't feel like dealing with children. I wanted to stay away from children, who can't even put two words together! But then, maybe I was supposed to learn something! So I went last week to Nursery. There were two little boys in there, who greeted me with huge smiles. My heart melted. I was theirs! Who can look at children, and not wish to have one? To hold one? To teach one? To love one? With them, there is no 'hate', no 'gossip', no 'dislike'. My plans changed. Who says I can't become a teacher if I have children? Who says I can't be duty manager if I have children? With God, all things are possible.
Since my miscarriages, not for a moment did I have any hard feelings for all the mothers out there. I didn't even think of envying pregnant women, new mothers, or older mothers. I only resented my body for a while. But I learnt to accept that this is how life goes. I cannot control everything that happens to me, but I can control how I react to things. I still melt whenever I see a baby while I serve at the till, I still try and talk to children who come shopping, and let 3 year olds help me bag the things for their parents. Children are a blessing, even if they are not mine to keep.
This year was a learning year:learn to love myself in spite of my weakness, learn to love others who have the blessings I desire, learn to love my husband through it all.
This year was a rocky year. We went through the joy of being pregnant to the pain of losing the pregnancy twice already. The first one was at six weeks. I told myself that there was no heartbeat yet, so it wasn't meant to be. I wasn't depressed, I was a bit angry with the medical staff - it's a different story, about waiting 10 hours on a chair in a hallway while bleeding and aching - but I got over it quickly. I went straight back to work, and spent time serving in my Church calling. I think it was a bit harder for Peter, but we took comfort that we could try again. And we tried again! We got to eight weeks, then the pains and bleeding started. After a full week of small bleeds and tiredness, and another 3 days of painful contractions - again angry with doctors who sent me home telling me it was normal and didn't give me anything for the pain until after 3 days of contractions when they gave me ibuprofen - we lost the second pregnancy. My body was messed up! All my joints were aching, I got skin rashes, and I was getting more and more tired. The doctors here din't do anything: no tests, just the same spiel: you are the 1 in 4...twice. And that I needed one more miscarriage in order to get any tests done. I was angry! I did some tests after six weeks from my second miscarriage, during our holiday in Romania, just to discover that I still had remains from the pregnancy, and that I had E-coli in my womb and it was spreading. It took my body another 3 months to get back to normal, where I could say:nothing hurts now.
During these past four months, I thought I would not try for another child again. I remembered the pain, I remembered the anger, I remembered the crushed hope. I was back on my feet, with a plan that did not include children for a while. This experience at least got me seriously thinking about the future. I enrolled back in school to get a qualification in English language so that I can further my education and become a teacher. At work, I gave even more of myself. I got determined to become manager. I thought I had it all figured out, and I was determined to wait trying for another child... until a week ago.
Last month I was released from my calling as Relief Society President. I had mixed feelings: relief at not having to deal with all the gossip and back-biting and spoilt grown-ups , and sadness for not serving all those amazing sisters! My new calling was actually my old calling - Nursery leader. I was not excited! I said yes, of course, but I didn't feel like dealing with children. I wanted to stay away from children, who can't even put two words together! But then, maybe I was supposed to learn something! So I went last week to Nursery. There were two little boys in there, who greeted me with huge smiles. My heart melted. I was theirs! Who can look at children, and not wish to have one? To hold one? To teach one? To love one? With them, there is no 'hate', no 'gossip', no 'dislike'. My plans changed. Who says I can't become a teacher if I have children? Who says I can't be duty manager if I have children? With God, all things are possible.
Since my miscarriages, not for a moment did I have any hard feelings for all the mothers out there. I didn't even think of envying pregnant women, new mothers, or older mothers. I only resented my body for a while. But I learnt to accept that this is how life goes. I cannot control everything that happens to me, but I can control how I react to things. I still melt whenever I see a baby while I serve at the till, I still try and talk to children who come shopping, and let 3 year olds help me bag the things for their parents. Children are a blessing, even if they are not mine to keep.
This year was a learning year:learn to love myself in spite of my weakness, learn to love others who have the blessings I desire, learn to love my husband through it all.
Loved this honest and beautiful post. So happy you have your husband to love and support you through this. Hope both of you are doing great!
ReplyDeleteWe are doing great, just not exactly what we had pictured. We are still very blessed and happy, and things are working out for our benefit. Thank you for all your pictures of your beautiful family. It makes me very happy to see you guys so happy <3
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