Days of Eni's life

Here I am two days after my meltdown. Two days after I let my grief surface, I let my anger come out, and cried for about two hours. Life is not all that bleak anymore, I am smiling and laughing. I am not over it, but I am starting to heal. Here are some things that have helped deal with my burden: 1, Do not bury the feelings - After I was molested, I tried to go on as nothing happened, I focused on my duties at home, at work. But I was angry, grumpy, taking it out on my husband for ridiculous reasons that usually do not bother me. Then almost two weeks later, just seeing a list of good things about me, written out of love, made me snap. I broke down. I let everything surface. I went to my lowest. I did not believe there was anything good left of me as I let all those negative feeling overcome me. I cried for two hours, and wrote all my feelings in a blog post. I was home alone (well, with the girls, but they were asleep) I needed a way to let it out. So I wrote... and I was expecti...

     Last time I wrote here, I was 5 weeks pregnant. I had high hopes that finally the little baby would end up in my arms after 9 months. I had my doubts as well, knowing my history, but hope beat fear. And here I am, 16 months later, with the most beautiful baby girl who loves and trusts me with her whole being. She amazes me every day, brightens every aspect of my life, and gives me great hopes for the future. I think every one of us needs a bit of 'baby therapy' to be reminded of the beauty of life, of its purpose, and the simple things that bring happiness - like a toy wrapper, the silky labels on things, the voice of somebody you love.      I love life, I love my little family, I love to love. I want to keep this feeling with me when things go wrong, when I am losing hope, and when life is not as neat as I would like it. In the end, love is what pulls me through. The purpose of life is happiness, and the only way to obtain it is to love. I need to ...

     My husband and I have been married for 18 months now. We are very happy together, we love and cherish each other, and our path is sunny, in spite of the rainy English weather. One of the things we both want greatly is to have children. I said 3, he said 5, in the end we might end up with 4 :)      This year was a rocky year. We went through the joy of being pregnant to the pain of losing the pregnancy twice already. The first one was at six weeks. I told myself that there was no heartbeat yet, so it wasn't meant to be. I wasn't depressed, I was a bit angry with the medical staff - it's a different story, about waiting 10 hours on a chair in a hallway while bleeding and aching - but I got over it quickly. I went straight back to work, and spent time serving in my Church calling. I think it was a bit harder for Peter, but we took comfort that we could try again. And we tried again! We got to eight weeks, then the pains and bleeding started. After a ful...

Lately, being busy with work, and running everywhere to fix my problems (or my friends's), I haven't got the chance to get any good, encouraging news. All I've been hearing from coworkers and friends around here is divorces, domestic violence, and a lot of unhappiness. I started wondering what was wrong with the world today? The answer is easy - they don't have the gospel, or a strong testimony of the gospel coupled with righteous living. But I don't want to dwell on that. I started thinking of my future, of what lays ahead of me, and to be honest, I haven't got a clue. I know I want to start a family, but it is not very encouraging to do it when all I hear is divorce, suffering, and pain. It is not encouraging when I look around me, and I keep bumping into ignorant guys who have only one thing on their mind, and they don't refrain from letting me know about it. My point is, bad news coming at me from every side... Yesterday I headed out to the dentist, wh...

I went for a walk today. Actually, I rode my bicycle. I didn't know where to go, the city is small, and I didn't  feel like joining big crowds. I quickly decided to go to the cemetery. I heard they made some changes, and I wanted to see my grandparents' graves. I haven' been there in over 5 years. It took me a while to find them with all the changes, but I finally got there. I didn't know what to expect or what I would feel. It was weird! All I felt was gratitude! I looked at my grandparents' and great grandparents' plaques , and I could think of was "Thank you". I felt that because of them I am where I am today, and I can have all these earthly experiences. If only one of them was missing, I wouldn't exist! I do not feel sorrow, or longing, or pain. All I feel is gratitude and joy - gratitude for their choices, for being who they were, and joy because one day I will be able to see them, and get to know them. I know that families can be forev...