You had a bad day...
What day is it, and in what month, this clock never seemed so alive! - I love Lifehouse, and their music makes me feel better... I think... especially after having a bad day!
I need to vent, but there is no one to talk to! And that hurts, you know! Today is Sunday, and I am in Stei. A little bit of history here: Stei is a small town 80 km away from Oradea, the town that I left behind me 11 years ago. I cut the cord! And now I am back - no friends, no place to hang out, just me and my family. I love my family, and this is the longest time we have spent together in over a year. It does help our relationship! I swear it's better this way than talking on the phone, or using skype. I'm happy to be home, but...
I am suffocating! I feel like my lungs won't take in the air I need to be the happy girl that I usually am. Life has been hitting me lately, and I am not prepared for its blows! I feel like everything I have been trying to accomplish has been failure after failure. I am out of ideas, I am out of energy, and mostly, I feel alone!
For instance, what am I doing now? I am sitting in front of the computer, doing nothing importnat. I am looking at my 400+ friends list on Facebook, and it just hits me: I have 400+ virtual friends. I have been deceiving myself that my social life is great...and why? Because I have 400+ friends on Facebook! And I don't even know all of them.... I am a little ashamed to admit that, but it's true! The question is on how many of them can I rely on when things get tough? Who can go with me to buy chocolate, and eat it while crying over stupid things that seem unbearable? Who can I call and ask to hang out tonight?
I need to do something with my life, but what? I see my dreams, but they are too high to reach! I made plan after plan after plan... but maybe I try to hard! O, geeze, I am having a meltdown!
I do have to talk about my small miracle though. I avoided talking to anyone today. I turned up the music, and cleaned the kitchen...thoroughly! then, my mom came into the kitchen, and asked me to help her cook. We cooked for over an hour, but not a word came out of my mouth. I downloaded "Grey's Anatomy", and crashed on my bed. I felt like crying the whole day, but I couldn't get myself to do it. So I just turned myself off - I watched 5 or 6 episodes of that TV show, and avoided any human interraction. Somewhere in that stupid state of being, my phone made a weird noise. I looked at it, no phonecalls or texts, but since I had the phone in my hand, I decided to play with it. I dialed my best friend's number (she is 500+ km away). From the moment I said "Hi" she knew something was wrong. We talked, and I tried not to vent - I think I did pretty good... she still understood me completely, and talking to her for 10 minutes worked miracles! I had the strength to ask my dad to watch a movie together, and it actually felt safe and peaceful - I haven't had that feeling since I can't even remember when.
What am I trying to say here? Even I have no clue. Ideas come to me as I type. I guess that what I am trying to say is that we all need friends around us, people who could understand us, or make us smile when we want to cry, or be the shoulder to cry on when we hurt. Why don't I have those people around me? Because I don't work for that to happen! People don't become friends just like that. If I am not ready to throw myself out there, with my heart and mind open, ready to be a friend myself, how can I expect others to be my friends? That is why I want to get out of Stei, that is why I want to go somewhere away from home - to throw myself at the world, and hope that wherever I end up, there will be someone to catch me. It's scarry, terrifying, it's the unknown. Beating that is what makes the fight all worth it!
I guess that we all need in our good days to be someone's friend in order to have a friend during our bad days. And what a big difference it makes - on both sides!
I need to vent, but there is no one to talk to! And that hurts, you know! Today is Sunday, and I am in Stei. A little bit of history here: Stei is a small town 80 km away from Oradea, the town that I left behind me 11 years ago. I cut the cord! And now I am back - no friends, no place to hang out, just me and my family. I love my family, and this is the longest time we have spent together in over a year. It does help our relationship! I swear it's better this way than talking on the phone, or using skype. I'm happy to be home, but...
I am suffocating! I feel like my lungs won't take in the air I need to be the happy girl that I usually am. Life has been hitting me lately, and I am not prepared for its blows! I feel like everything I have been trying to accomplish has been failure after failure. I am out of ideas, I am out of energy, and mostly, I feel alone!
For instance, what am I doing now? I am sitting in front of the computer, doing nothing importnat. I am looking at my 400+ friends list on Facebook, and it just hits me: I have 400+ virtual friends. I have been deceiving myself that my social life is great...and why? Because I have 400+ friends on Facebook! And I don't even know all of them.... I am a little ashamed to admit that, but it's true! The question is on how many of them can I rely on when things get tough? Who can go with me to buy chocolate, and eat it while crying over stupid things that seem unbearable? Who can I call and ask to hang out tonight?
I need to do something with my life, but what? I see my dreams, but they are too high to reach! I made plan after plan after plan... but maybe I try to hard! O, geeze, I am having a meltdown!
I do have to talk about my small miracle though. I avoided talking to anyone today. I turned up the music, and cleaned the kitchen...thoroughly! then, my mom came into the kitchen, and asked me to help her cook. We cooked for over an hour, but not a word came out of my mouth. I downloaded "Grey's Anatomy", and crashed on my bed. I felt like crying the whole day, but I couldn't get myself to do it. So I just turned myself off - I watched 5 or 6 episodes of that TV show, and avoided any human interraction. Somewhere in that stupid state of being, my phone made a weird noise. I looked at it, no phonecalls or texts, but since I had the phone in my hand, I decided to play with it. I dialed my best friend's number (she is 500+ km away). From the moment I said "Hi" she knew something was wrong. We talked, and I tried not to vent - I think I did pretty good... she still understood me completely, and talking to her for 10 minutes worked miracles! I had the strength to ask my dad to watch a movie together, and it actually felt safe and peaceful - I haven't had that feeling since I can't even remember when.
What am I trying to say here? Even I have no clue. Ideas come to me as I type. I guess that what I am trying to say is that we all need friends around us, people who could understand us, or make us smile when we want to cry, or be the shoulder to cry on when we hurt. Why don't I have those people around me? Because I don't work for that to happen! People don't become friends just like that. If I am not ready to throw myself out there, with my heart and mind open, ready to be a friend myself, how can I expect others to be my friends? That is why I want to get out of Stei, that is why I want to go somewhere away from home - to throw myself at the world, and hope that wherever I end up, there will be someone to catch me. It's scarry, terrifying, it's the unknown. Beating that is what makes the fight all worth it!
I guess that we all need in our good days to be someone's friend in order to have a friend during our bad days. And what a big difference it makes - on both sides!
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